There’s a video of Samuel on his fourth day, December 10th, 2010, in which we see his eyes open that breaks my heart. I’m so glad that we took pictures and videos of him so I can always see how precious he was, not just from memory, but from actuality. It’s a three minute video of heartbreak and joy; it begins with me huddled over him, and ends with Kelly and I talking to him and encouraging him. During the course of the video, the sights and sounds are breathtaking; the nurse is actually changing his diaper and he is thoroughly not enjoying it. One can see the wrinkles on his forehead that remind me so much of my children as well as the silent cry that most children exert when their own diapers are changed. The silence is what’s so difficult. We never heard him cry.
What is it about crying that seems so sweet to a baby boy, yet seems so foreign to a grown man? Or perhaps foreign is not the right word, perhaps its just not accepted as acceptable. Why is it important for a man to be strong; or for a Christian to act stoically? A question plagues me that I see manifested from other’s words; must we always mask our suffering? As I pursue the grief that I do not quickly desire to leave, does this make others uncomfortable or does it allow others the freedom and courage to grieve as well? Truly, we have been given through the Holy Spirit the grace and strength to endure in this life; we have been given everything in the heavenly realms for life and for godliness (2 Peter 1.3). We have been given everything for life! Not just some things, but everything.
In this everything, in the life that we are living, we have been given strength to endure. We have not been given strength to act without emotion; do to so with be to act outside of the actions of Christ himself. But truly, we have been given the hope and strength to go through things; and if we overcome we overcome. If we grieve, we grieve. If we have joy, we have been given strength in that joy. In the case with Samuel, I was assaulted from the very depths of heart ache. My anxious heart was and is frail; I will not pretend otherwise. I will not pretend that I was not wounded to the very core of my being. I will not mask suffering; I will only bring this suffering the feet and arms of my Savior and see the greatness of our God meet me in this time of need as He so faithfully does time and time again.
Oh to hear him cry. I know I will never hear Samuel cry now; I will, however, hear him sing praises with me. Oh to see that day!