Health Update
December 24th marked the anniversary of my first liver transplant sixteen years ago as well as the death of my third child last year. It was a hard but good holiday for us as we spent time together as a family thinking about all the Lord has done for His glory. Today marks the anniversary of my second liver transplant and instead of celebration, I feel somewhat shoved to the ground with my face down in the mud of contemplation.
I write in my office now, after having posted on twitter some disheartening news, reeling from the possibility of new trials and new circumstances that seem to plague me. Oh Father, why do they plague me, bite at me, and never let me go? I know I will not get the answer to the why, but Lord; Lord! It is hard for me right now; my flesh is screaming loudly in my ears. I heard from the medical staff at SCRIPPS that the latest blood test results for my liver were not good; in fact, it was bad enough to elicit very important tests and scans that could only mean one thing; my health is in flux again. The earliest I could get in to get these tests is January 10th with a follow up appointment on January 30th, a day before my oldest son’s fifth birthday; two weeks after the anniversary of my third liver transplant five years ago. I am not a victim; Oh Lord, I am not a victim! I have given my life to you, and yet I take myself off the altar so many times.
I need your hands to cradle me and enfold me and lift me up. I need you to physically take my eyes off of these trials and force me to look only upon you. I don’t care; take the clay that is my life and mold it! I don’t want to, yet I do want to, look upon these trials yet again and feel like a rag doll pulled elastically back to the reality that is my life. I know nothing; nothing is certain but your love for me. You have imputed me with your righteousness as through your death you have been imputed with my unrighteousness. You indeed broke the chains of my sin and have set me upon a hill like a city to proclaim the light of your truth to the world that will see. And yet I feel alone right now Lord; alone in my trials, alone in my pain, alone in the confusion that pours over my heart and mind.
No.
I am not alone. I will focus on your truth. I will contemplate and meditate on your word as the only source of strength, for I know that I am nothing more than a beggar in search for food and strength and nourishment from the fountain of living waters. Plant me by and in your truth; give me your life-giving sap of abundance that is your presence as I seek nothing more than you right now. Swaddle me in the cocoon of your love and breathe life into my dry dry bones as I’m so tired. Oh Jesus, I need you! I need you so desperately.
The mantle of these trials upon these shoulders you have given me are not my heritage; you are. They are not mine to carry, they are not mine to bear. They are yours; and to you this is possible. My wife is pregnant; expecting child within two months. I was dying with my third transplant needed five years ago; so sick in fact that I was in a walking comma. Kelly was pregnant with my first son, about to give birth, and about to lose her husband. You proved yourself faithful again, and as I kneel to this truth, I know you will be faithful according to your steadfast love and will. Your word, according to Psalm 119, is my counselor; may your testimonies be the loudest in my ears as I have only to look back on your goodness to find strength. I look back on that time and know that you will take care of us. You have never failed me; you have never failed any of us.
You are my God. Help me to praise you during this time. Help me to point others to your goodness and your everlasting covenant of grace made through Jesus Christ alone. If this is a race, then indeed, let me run to you with eyes fixed obsessively on you. If my finish line is near, help me to run the race set before me with endurance and faithfulness. But may my life give glory to you alone; for this is what I was created for. This is your plan for me. This is my meaning to life.
I will find out more information as soon as the doctors get back from their vacations early next week; but my life is in the hands of the Almighty who gives grace to the humble and increases the power of the weak. Give me eyes to see Lord, that indeed there is nothing to fear and that you have overcome all of this.
Praying. For thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory, forever. Amen.
December 28, 2011 at 3:50 PM
Praying. For you. For Kelly. For the Kids. God is and will continue to shine through you Dan.
December 28, 2011 at 4:00 PM
We are so sorry to hear you are having health challenges again Dan! We will add your needs to our prayers that you will receive healing & be back to health quickly!
Shelly Moore
Grandma to Cherub angel Jayden Gilbert
December 28, 2011 at 4:16 PM
Keeping you and your family in prayer. You life has been an inspireing testimony of faith.
December 28, 2011 at 4:18 PM
You’re still in my prayers, Dan! God is over you, and I know He is listening to the prayers of us all!!!
Your life shines the glory of God. Thank You Lord for the life of this faithful servant!
Blessings from Brazil,
Karen
December 28, 2011 at 4:43 PM
You have been on the altar more times than I will ever understand in my human flesh. Your life is set upon a hill like a city, and you do proclaim His truth and bring Him glory. The Payne family loves the Parkins family., We stand with you, we pray with you and we wait with you. May God show his almighty power, love, and purpose as He reveals his glory in your life once more!
December 28, 2011 at 6:34 PM
Dan,
I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. I know that our God is so great! He is bigger than all of these things, and He is capable and willing to rescue you. Your faith is so awesome…and I know in the midst of our trials we can have a tendency to waver a bit, but stay strong!! I stand with you and your family in praising God ahead of time for healing you…!
Natali
December 28, 2011 at 7:36 PM
Absolutely praying!!!!!!
December 28, 2011 at 8:43 PM
Ugh, why did I read this during commercial break? Gotta go on-air right now and I’m balling…wipe, wipe, dry, dry…-Sam
December 29, 2011 at 2:52 AM
You have no idea who I am…but your story has brought tears to my eyes. Not because of your struggle, but because of your faith. I take your words as encouragement to me as I too struggle again with “LIFE”. I will be praying for you. Be encouraged today…your story has touched many with God’s hand prints shouting for all to hear!
December 29, 2011 at 10:00 AM
Dan so sorry to hear about your health. I will add you to my prayer list and pray for you and your family. God has been so faithful to you and you have been so transparent. You are being covered in prayer by so many as you have touched the hearts and lives of many. God bless you and give you strength.
December 29, 2011 at 6:12 PM
Lifting you up in prayer!!
December 30, 2011 at 11:13 PM
Praying for you dan. Praying for God’s continual healing hand on your life. blessings as the new year arrives.
December 31, 2011 at 12:59 PM
Dan, Your faith is amazing. Your love for God is inspiring, and challenging and anointed. Please continue to write through your pain as many people are being touched and encouraged through you. Praying God’s mercy and healing upon you.
Kelby Bruno
January 3, 2012 at 9:55 AM